Personal

I dont normally get personal here, but i use the blog as my own journal of spiritual development so anything can come up. If it isnt for public viewing i'll take it down when i come to my senses.

As i have said many times before, i have 9's all over my numerology charts, regardless of what system i use to calculate. and the traits of the nines (which are very relevant to me beacause i have so many of them) are about humanitarianism and that, but also great sacrifice. I havent mentioned it before, but i had a really hard life. I was molested as a child by a family acquaintance, then physically, mentally, and financially abused in my household growing up, then when i moved out of the house i went through severe sexual torture (sexual slavery) by multiple people (under the leadership of one man) for an extended period, followed by severe psychological abuse/torture by my most beloved husband for many years, combined with being disowned by my family and having nowhere or nobody to turn to. They say the nine goes thru the school of hard knocks, and i certainly did. I am still only 25 so it all happened at young ages.

I went through such deeply traumatizing experiences without any time off that I did not think I could cope and I could not see a way out. I spent so many years in a deeply depressed state. I had some periods of therapy that were helpful, and i have been on the soul-killing antidepressants. I would like to think that i have healed almost completely (thanks to turning to spirituality), which in itself is quite a task and i deserve a medal for. But i cant really escape my life, so every now and then i have to deal with some bullshit again. Like today, which is why i decided to write about it. I really dont have anywhere to turn with it, so i hope something useful can come out of it by writing about it.

What i have learned so far with all the abuse, humiliation, suppression, victimization i survived is that I am the only one who can set me free. And fear is a dangerous thing. I was blackmailed into the sexual abuse, so i complied to save my husband (not that i really had a choice, but i was given lies and promises to soothe my trauma). Turned out they didnt stick to their end of the deal. And whoever abused me never stuck to their end of the bargain, it was always just a way to control me.
I learned that fear kept me from my own power (and also to never give in to blackmail, no matter what!). Not until i fought back with all that i had did the physical abuse by my dad stop. He even thanked me for it later. And I love him.
I also learned that before i was born into this life, that i accepted or chose a hard life for the spiritual gains. It was my choice. I learned that those who hurt you are weaker, more ignorant, and more pitiful than you could ever be. I learned that i would rather be a victim than a perpetrator, but that the ROLE of the perpetrator is only a role, but a difficult one to live with too.

Since there was no healing available apart from spiritual growth, that is where i directed my energy. I became deeply spiritual and sharpened my psychic ability and was able to help other people overcome trauma, and I learned so much along the way. Like how suffering is something we carry, like a bag, and that we can choose to drop it. Only it takes so much spiritual maturity to do that, that it is unlikely you will be able to unless your pain and suffering is extraordinary.

I have never really been able to hate people, I just dont see the point of that, but i will fight against injustice with all that i have. I dont see the point in shutting up and being quiet when you can speak up and make a difference for people. Many people put up with an unfair situation when they can protest and prevent it from happening to others. I see how generations of women in my native culture lived and still live under abuse and suppression because of severe blackmail. They put up with unthinkable things because they want to prevent harm being done to their family and loved ones. I can understand their choices, but at the same time i find it selfish, because their silence is what keeps further generations of women under abuse. Compassion for your family is good, but compassion for thousands of other people's families is even better.

I was so used to abuse that I found myself feeling unworthy of anything else. And as law of attraction dictates, abuse was added to my abuse and I just couldnt see a way out. Love is a painful and challenging thing for anyone, and for me it brought with it severe psychological torture. I was made to feel guilty for all the sexual abuse i suffered. My husband did not admit i was used. He called it infidelity, and as such i needed to be kept under strict control. I was forced to "admit" that i was sexually perverted and that i immoral, i was made to talk about my sexual abuse (not for the purpose of healing, but rather to explain how i enjoyed the twisted things that were done to me) for hours on end, day after day, on and off for 4 years. Anyone who has been trough sexual abuse will know that it takes many many years before you are at all prepared to utter a word about it. It is traumatizing to talk about for many years after the incident. Having no support and that amount of blame is so destructive.. Since i didnt have anywhere else to turn with all this I became so brainwashed that i accepted myself as a disgusting person. I had crippling anxiety and nightmares. But I loved him genuinely and i always knew that his behaviour was only a reaction to his own severe pain and trauma.

Having said all this, I actually dont remember a thing from any of the sexual abuse. I think i dissociated when it hapened as a child, and that when it happened at 19, I just dissociated again. I dont have the actual memories at all (they are not in me, but i suspect i have them in another "personality", as far as i know, "I" wasnt even there so I have no idea what that other personality saw). However, I did keep every emotion, so although i dont have any of the memories, i had all of the feelings of shame, disgust, anxiety, and unbearable pain. My husband did not believe that i had no memory of it. so the 4 years he spent forcing me to talk about it was about testing whether i was lying, and showing me that i cant get away with lying about memory loss. since he couldnt get anywhere with it apart from causing more pain, i had to put an end to it, since he never would.
That is when i learned about eckhart tolle and it changed my relationship. Now we are separated but we have a good relationship with love and respoct. We are also sharing a baby that is on its way and we have never been more peaceful together.
I want to add, though, that seemingly ironically, my husband is a really good person, he has so much light in him, but he had a very dense and heavy pain body. And so did my father who also caused me so much pain. The man who used and pimped me out as a sex slave had very little light in him, so he was just completely incapable of compassion anyway. It was beyond his ability. He was spiritually disabled.

Spiritual guidance and inspiration gave me the tools to healing and that is the only thing I believe that will truly help. You cannot control what people do to you, but you can control what you attract into your life and how to deal with your experiences. I have changed profoundly and that is why i can never be raped again, i can never be intimidated that way again, the role of the victim will never fit me again, i will never again let despair take hold of me like that. I can ensure my life is safe and peaceful by embodying that myself. I have learned that the more i focus on the positive, the more positive my life gets. And i can turn a situation from bad to good through my own thoughts and reactions alone.

If there is one piece of truly valuable advice I can give to those of you who are where I was, it is that the pain you experienced is still with you as an energy attachment, and that you CAN let it go. You just have to genuinely intend to drop it in every way. You can do this by saying (and truly intending) that you will drop the incident or situation and its pain and every single little thing that is associated with it in you (any defensiveness, sensitivities, fear, suspicion, prejudice). It is impossible to do for most, but if you have the spiritual maturity and sufficient pain, it can be done though it will be very hard.

I could write a very long list of the unbelievable things i endured, but that would only serve to show you what a really strong person i am, how amazingly i turned out, and how admirable the so called "victims" in this world are. I am so proud of myself for what I not only survived, but triumphed over.

I wrote all this to reach out to whoever felt drawn to reading it. You have been my shoulder to cry on by reading this. I feel weak and vulnerable sometimes, and the pain can get too deep. No matter what, I am still here to love, and i hope this reaches those few people out there with a truly open and pure heart. I hope you send me an email and show me some love if you felt me.


Big Hugs, all my love,
Emine :)